Only Time Will Tell

Oh, time. I am both lacking & swimming in it.

I find myself running behind, mostly due to poor time-management, yet at the same time I feel as if I'm living a life beyond my years.

Life is changing at the moment - a new job has welcomed a change in the way I use my time. Where I used to have multiple opportunities in a day to read & write, I now find myself grasping for a single opportunity to lose myself in your worlds & reminisce upon my own.

We live simply & quietly here, though our lives are chaotic.
I rise with the sun, slowly waking my body, in the calm of those early hours. I enjoy my morning coffee, slowly, take my time dressing & mentally preparing myself for the day ahead. I leave my home, & am instantly bombarded by an overwhelming feeling of haste in the world. The pressure to be on time, deliver on time, make time to do, & somehow magically create extra time is intense.
I often feel as though I am struggling to keep my head above water as I fight my way through this insanely demanding world.
I do not choose this chaos, in fact I try wholeheartedly to cultivate peace in our home & lives.

It is at home where I find myself thinking the most about time. The time I spend at home is treasured, as I spend much of my day either at work or sleeping. I am utterly exhausted by the time I knock off work, & am often found lazing on the couch or curled up in bed winding down from the days events. I know this is only a temporary situation & I am in the midst of researching my way out of this insane schedule - a way for Sam & I to work collaboratively & creatively.
For now, I will work long & hard to give my family everything they need - a roof over our heads, wholesome food in our bellies & an abundance of love in our hearts - it's the love that really motivates me to make the best use of my time.

When I'm not working or sleeping or enjoying life's simple pleasures, I am thinking toward the future. An abundance of time which awaits our presence. I often daydream of what our futures will bring us - a growing family, an comfortable lifestyle with plenty of laughter & joy - a beautiful existence, I hope.
I adore my youth, as it brings with it an expansive future. I cannot comprehend what time has in store, yet I am excited & curious for what awaits me - for what awaits all of us, really.
Life is an incredible adventure - one which I am both terrified of & eagerly anticipate!

This has taken many hours to write, over many days. Time which could have been spent cleaning or painting or baking, perhaps just enjoying a moment with my love. Yet I enjoy the time I have taken to weave these words & express my feelings. It is worth my while...

Just now, I have spilt a full glass of water on the floor beside me - shattered glass & pool of liquid need attending to. Just another task which requires my time, I guess. I could have spent the next 5 minutes exploring your world or tending to Appa's persistent itch.
This is just another one of those moments that reminds me to be thankful & live purposefully in the time I have. In the words of J.Mason; "As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time."

See those beautiful proteas up there - my exceptionally beautiful love took the time to buy them for me. She knows exactly which stall to get them from at the markets (believe me, there's a difference!) & the perfect spot to display them (right outside our bedroom door, so I can enjoy their beauty as I wake & fall asleep.)
She is the best.
* Linking with the delightful Lou  at her Little Green Shed . Won't you join us?
 

 

Picking Up & Dusting Off

I've been mulling over this post for a many, many days now.
I had intended to begin this new 'blogging' year with this post.
I would relate to you my utter joy at discovering and being a part of this online community in the previous months, and express my dreams and desires for the coming year.

It would be honest, inspiring...and well, on time.

In the time it has taken for me to find these words - my intentions for 2013 - my life has been turned on its head. These 'resolutions' (for lack of a better word) I have been conjuring seem trivial compared to the reality of my current situation. I am still processing all that has happened in the past week, the crazy, unexpected, suddenness of it all, and am now nervously paving the way of my future.

I don't want to delve too deep into it all, yet I feel in sharing this news here I may find comfort and healing - okay, here goes...I was informed this week that my job position had been made redundant.
It is surreal even writing this. It is a fresh wound and I am still coming to terms with this news. It's strange to think that 3 days ago I was a happily employed twenty-something - taking things for granted and dreaming of what I want, rather than being gracious for the simple joys in my life.
In an already struggling economy the coming months are sure to be testing for us (I was the major wage earner in our household) yet I know that this is hurdle we can overcome.
My mind is filled with doubt, anticipation and fear. I feel as if I have failed, although I know there's nothing that could be done. It's not that I am unwanted - far from it, I'm told - but that I was given up for the sake of another. 

I am unsure of the road ahead, all I can be certain of is that I will succeed...eventually.
I will still accomplish my desires for this year, more often than not I will do so quietly, perhaps at time I will share them here, once the time is right. All I can say right now is that this year will be one of change - for the better - in myself and my life. I...we, will live simply and purposefully.  

I will find the opportunity within this difficult period of our life.

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I don't want this to be a pitty-party for me or a 'look how difficult my life is' post. That's not my intention. I feel that this is a safe place for me to share what's on my mind and heart, with you, and I will continue to do so. I have overcome more heartbreak than this - I will do it again. 

Picking myself up and dusting myself off. 

Sorry for the word heavy post. x 

On My Mind: Gratitude

I had hoped for a fruity-hued sunrise at 5am this morning, however I was met with grey skies and chilly winds - I stood in the courtyard for 10 minutes under-whelmed and disappointed, until the clouds thinned, just enough for peach coloured clouds to emerge for a few moments ~ it has made my day.

I am currently on a break from work, while renovations at the cafe are under-way, and my bosses take a well earned rest. Twenty days of unwinding, refocussing and preparing for the year ahead, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

My body has taken a beating in the past 12 months - physically, mentally and emotionally, and things have not been easy for my relationships either, especially between Sam and I. The usual concerns surrounding finances, careers, relationships, life in general have come thick and fast, often equally matched by some of the most joyous and rewarding experiences of our lives so far. We have our usual tiffs and screaming matches, usually reconciled by the realisation that we have driven the argument off on such a tangent that neither of us can clearly remember the instigator. We have had family struggles and heartache, lost friendships and felt betrayed - yet during our lowest moments, we continue to strive for the blessings within our lives.

In our first year of our Creative Arts degree, our acting lecturer 'played' a 'game' with us appropriately named Blessings, where each participant walked around the space, talking to no one in particular, about the blessings in their life. There was always the 'class clown' who listed his latest one-night-stand and the size of his, ahem...manhood, and the Gothic chick sulking in the corner, who repeated, every.damn.time, that she had no blessings in her life. However the majority of us could list numerous blessings, including family and friends, education, money, lifestyle, and so on.
I always thought of it as a pointless practice for 'our art', yet it's basic principle remains with me, years later - gratitude.

It's been during the slowness of the past week, forcing my body to relax and my mind to clear, that I have rediscovered the act of identifying blessings and discovering gratitude. We are living quietly and slowly at the moment, partly due to our desire for a simpler lifestyle and partly because we really can't be bothered with doing much else. Enjoying each others company, thoughtfully preparing wholesome meals, creating a comforting and rejuvenating environment for us to thrive in, has become much of our current lifestyle focus. We have so much to be grateful for - a comfortable lifestyle, the blessing of friendship, good health, successes and failures,  and especially Tig, Appa & Quinn, each other. We really are tremendously blessed.

This year is already looking to be full of change - new new beginnings, new goals, new jobs, new challenges. I am anxious and excited and a little fearful of the unknown, yet I am holding tight to this recent revelation - identifying blessings and discovering gratitude.

On My Mind: Thankful

We don't traditionally celebrate Thanksgiving here, Down Under, but I believe there's a lot we can learn from our North American friends on this day. It's a shame our society hasn't adopted, or at least created a day, to take time and celebrate the things for which we are thankful.

I have been mulling over this topic for the past few days, pondering why this holiday always seems to resonate with me each year, and it really is as simple as it's namesake - the act of being thankful.

In a society overly focussed on worldly value (myself included), it's refreshing and humbling to take a step back from it all, pause, and be grateful. So, tonight, as I begin to wind down from a day of utter bliss and happiness, I am taking a moment to be thankful, with you.

I am thankful for:
* my beautiful, hilarious, fun and extraordinarily loving best friend and partner, Samantha. Words could not describe my gratitude for your love and friendship. Love love, lady.
*our beloved and terribly spoilt pets - Tiger, Appa, and Quinn.
*the family, friends, acquaintances and strangers that have blessed my life.
*my passion for creativity and 'the arts', the skills and knowledge I have gained, and the many wonderful and disgustingly-talented people I have met thus far in this industry.
*my health and well-being, and that of those around me - and in an odd way, for the ill and suffering with our lives, as it reminds me to be thankful for all the well-times.
*and last, but most certainly not least, YOU, the lovely people who come here to read these humble words. I have been abundantly blessed by the many wonderful gals* and guys I have had the privilege of meeting in the past 5 months. I am thankful for your kind comments, advice and confirmations. I have found a community of like-minded, passionate, creative, and overwhelmingly friendly,well...friends, and I am truly blessed and thankful for our friendship.

A little perspective on our privilege from Jodi.
Check out Maxabella/Kidspot's 52 Weeks of Grateful posts for inspiring and humbling gratitude from around the globe.
*Just a quick super-duper thank you to Em at The Beetle Shack /Down That Little Lane /Bohemian Living for the chance to win this lovely satchel - I feel truly blessed and thankful for this beautiful gift <3

//Nothing is more honourable than a grateful heart// Seneca//

 

On My Mind: Life

I am stuck in a rut. And I'm struggling to claw my way out.

Life is getting me down, of late. Money is getting me down. Study is getting me down. Work is getting me down. I feel a bit like a negative nancy; which is distressing for my (usually) overly optimistic mind.

Life.

It's too fast, but too slow. It's hectic and mundane all at the same time. I fear change, yet I'm itching for it!


We live a great life. Don't get me wrong. We have a roof over our heads, great food in our bellies, and are decently clothed (most of the time).
We go out to dinner/movies/shows/concerts. We have the company of our animals, our friends, our family. We enjoy trips away for the weekends (long over due at the moment!) and enjoy little luxuries every now and then. But I can't help but want something more.
Sometimes it's hard to stop yourself from wishing for more; more money, more time, more, more, more!

Recently we've been having financial troubles, and no matter how much of the good great stuff that we have, I can't help but moan over what we don't. Spending money on our sicky car, breaking things that we can't afford to replace, and spending money we've saved (for a vacation) on things we'd rather not have to spend money on (like the sicky car L).
And then I have what I like to call the 'third year woes', aka that dreaded feeling I get when I think about uni/someone asks "how's uni going?". Honestly, I'm a little over it, or at least some aspects of it. I should be finishing this semester, yet I've failed things and deferred things, and now I'm considering changing my degree all together. I'm no longer inspired. I need to stop reading about it and actually do it, yet I can't do it until I've studied it. I'm yearning to play and explore my creativity again. To create with my hands and my body and my voice. I miss performing. To get out in a stage or in front of the camera, and just perform! I need to get out of this city (which is feeling more like a tiny town the more I stay in it) and its backwards ways and create a life in a new, inspiring place. I don't know where, or even when, but I can feel the urges to build elsewhere. To get to know new people, new places and a new lifestyle.

I want a simpler life. A non-adult life. Not having to stress over things. For a little while at least. I vaugley remember it...I think I was still living at with my parents. Okay, so I don't want to live with my parents again, but I do yearn for that simplicity. No worries over rent/food/decent body coverings, just plain ol' enjoying life! Painting/taking photos/writing/reading/dancing/singing/performing when I wanted to, sleeping when I wanted to, eating when...well I still eat when I want to, but you get the idea.
I really just want some time getting back to what I enjoy most about life; photography, performing, going out, eating!, meditating, enjoying time with the people I love. More time outside, in the fresh air, exploring and finding inspiration.
I miss the carefree attitude I once had. I miss feeling like myself.

I'm hoping that the change of season will bring about a change in my life. Spring is all about new things.
A fresh start.
A fresh mind.

A fresh life.


~ thank you for reading my ramblings xx

On My Mind: Losing Confidence

I'm having one of those days where things have not turned out how I'd expected and as a result have left me with that sick/heavy feeling in my gut. I hate this feeling. I want to cry and yell (and probably swear a bit) but I know it's not worth getting so upset over. Although the fault does not fall solely on me, a lot of it does. I should have seen this coming and tried to make things right before now.  I want to go back and change it all...but I can't. It's done. All I can do now is move forward and try to rectify it all. The next few days are going to be taxing. I'm going to need all the confidence I can muster to front up and deal with the consequences. Part of me believes this will make me stronger and more resilient, another part wants it to teach me that I need to be more responsible for my path, yet I can't help feeling that this may just have been the thing that knocks me down for good and I am too burnt out to get back up. I want to succeed yet I believe I am unworthy of it. I want to make it to the end, to see all this hard work though. I can't help feeling, I'm losing faith in myself.