Tuesday, August 28, 2012

On My Mind: Life

I am stuck in a rut. And I'm struggling to claw my way out.

Life is getting me down, of late. Money is getting me down. Study is getting me down. Work is getting me down. I feel a bit like a negative nancy; which is distressing for my (usually) overly optimistic mind.


It's too fast, but too slow. It's hectic and mundane all at the same time. I fear change, yet I'm itching for it!

We live a great life. Don't get me wrong. We have a roof over our heads, great food in our bellies, and are decently clothed (most of the time).
We go out to dinner/movies/shows/concerts. We have the company of our animals, our friends, our family. We enjoy trips away for the weekends (long over due at the moment!) and enjoy little luxuries every now and then. But I can't help but want something more.
Sometimes it's hard to stop yourself from wishing for more; more money, more time, more, more, more!

Recently we've been having financial troubles, and no matter how much of the good great stuff that we have, I can't help but moan over what we don't. Spending money on our sicky car, breaking things that we can't afford to replace, and spending money we've saved (for a vacation) on things we'd rather not have to spend money on (like the sicky car L).
And then I have what I like to call the 'third year woes', aka that dreaded feeling I get when I think about uni/someone asks "how's uni going?". Honestly, I'm a little over it, or at least some aspects of it. I should be finishing this semester, yet I've failed things and deferred things, and now I'm considering changing my degree all together. I'm no longer inspired. I need to stop reading about it and actually do it, yet I can't do it until I've studied it. I'm yearning to play and explore my creativity again. To create with my hands and my body and my voice. I miss performing. To get out in a stage or in front of the camera, and just perform! I need to get out of this city (which is feeling more like a tiny town the more I stay in it) and its backwards ways and create a life in a new, inspiring place. I don't know where, or even when, but I can feel the urges to build elsewhere. To get to know new people, new places and a new lifestyle.

I want a simpler life. A non-adult life. Not having to stress over things. For a little while at least. I vaugley remember it...I think I was still living at with my parents. Okay, so I don't want to live with my parents again, but I do yearn for that simplicity. No worries over rent/food/decent body coverings, just plain ol' enjoying life! Painting/taking photos/writing/reading/dancing/singing/performing when I wanted to, sleeping when I wanted to, eating when...well I still eat when I want to, but you get the idea.
I really just want some time getting back to what I enjoy most about life; photography, performing, going out, eating!, meditating, enjoying time with the people I love. More time outside, in the fresh air, exploring and finding inspiration.
I miss the carefree attitude I once had. I miss feeling like myself.

I'm hoping that the change of season will bring about a change in my life. Spring is all about new things.
A fresh start.
A fresh mind.

A fresh life.

~ thank you for reading my ramblings xx

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