Thursday, October 17, 2013

laying bare // the black sheep

I have always been the odd one out in my family.
A little defiant, a little sassy and at times crude, open-minded and inquisitive. I was the black sheep.

Even as a child, I thought differently to my parents and peers. If it wasn't my desire to 'grow up' to be a large animal veterinarian (that was short lived when I discovered not all animals can be saved), it was my choice to be a vegetarian (again short lived...), to voice my opinions on refugees/whale slaughter/pro-life vs pro-choice/equality, the list goes on.
I was always questioning what I was told to be 'right' and 'wrong', I pushed boundaries (not the cool, creative-kind, the kind that gets you in deep shitty trouble), back-chatted and revelled in being a little different.
This is not to say I was a troubled child - in fact I was a diligent student and a somewhat respectable daughter - I just knew that there was more to this life than following rules and believing everything I was told.

Fast forward a decade or so and I am still equally defiant and more of a 'black sheep' than ever. 

 When I was nineteen, my parents 'discovered' the details of my relationship, with a fellow student in my theatre degree, via an online journal. Now, if you've been reading here a while you might have a guess at this person who captured my heart. What you wont know, is how my life changed from that moment.

I remember this night so vividly yet it is a seemingly surreal memory.
It was July 25, 2010, I was spending the night at the home of a few university friends, as we were studying* for our upcoming assessments. I remember hearing my phone ring, and knew something was not right. I answered the phone and in that instant my life was turned on its head.
My mothers words, "Sarah...please do not lie to me, I want the truth...Are you in a lesbian relationship with Sam?", sent me to my knees.
"Yes", was all I could say, as a wave of uncontrollable tears came forth.

I wasn't ashamed for 'coming out', I was heartbroken as I knew I would be shunned by my family.
The following days, weeks and months are a muddled combination of emotion-filled memories, a constant struggle between my head and my heart. A constant fight within myself, to be my self.
And the fight continues, at times. I continue to struggle with how these events unfurled.
It took months, more than a year really, before I was allowed the opportunity to fully and honestly express my inner thoughts and emotions to those who had shut me out after that July evening.
Although outspoken throughout my life, I also needed those months to find my voice, and the courage to have them heard.

I could not have done this without the selfless love and endless encouragement from Sam.
She is more than my partner and best friend, she is my better half.
In reality, without her I would not be.


*We were really studying, just with sangria and Kate Miller-Heidke in the mix too.


Laying Bare is a collection of my most heartfelt emotions and inner thoughts. An raw recount of my past or a glimpse into my dreams for our future. 
Fear is shed, honesty uplifted and love is shared, in abundance.


  1. such a raw account, I hope things are better with your family :)
    If any of my children turned out to be gay I would never shun them - many of my favorite people are in same sex relationships, (such a PC term)
    Very Brave of you to share!

    1. Slowly our relationship with my family is improving. We are always going to be here when they are ready to accept us for us.
      Your children are blessed to have an accepting and loving mother as yourself, Lisa. You are a beautiful soul.
      Sar xx

  2. We don't choose who we fall in love with. Love chooses them for us. Even when we, okay well I thought really, eight years on I am more in love than ever. Love chose for you and Sam to be together, just don't ever let life get in the way of that love.

    1. I couldn't have said it better myself, Julie! You're fantastic - I'm going to write this down so I can read it and remind myself of it each day!
      Sar xx

  3. I'm so sorry that you went through such a harsh reaction at a time where you should have been able to share your joy.
    Julie's beautiful words are absolutely right.

    1. I came to terms with how things panned out a long time ago, perhaps even before it all occurred as I knew the reaction I would receive.
      I just hope my past pain can help someone else to realise that it really does get better, love heals all wounds. Xx

    2. I came to terms with how things panned out a long time ago, perhaps even before it all occurred as I knew the reaction I would receive.
      I just hope my past pain can help someone else to realise that it really does get better, love heals all wounds. Xx

  4. Family, expectations and prejudices, it can be a diabolical mix. At Uni my father disowned me and cut my from their will because I was in a relationship with a man that he did not approve of. Long black hair, piercings, leather pants - oh my. He was my dreams come true (at that point at least!) and my fathers nightmare. It took a year, after the relationship ended, for my parents to really start talking to me again and for us to be able to heal the wounds that had been created. I learnt a lot from that experience. And despite the healing, the scars remain and my faith in the solidarity of my family has not returned. I swear never to treat my children in this way.

    Wishing you and Sam every happiness. xx


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